I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
