I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
