I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
