Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
