There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
