Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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