I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
