What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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