do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
