The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
even my farts smell like vagina
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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