So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
