Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
