I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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