Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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