Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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