Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
