6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
