oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
