I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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