I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
