I accidentally had phone sex last night
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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