I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
