Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
