His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
