Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
