remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
