i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize
