I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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