I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
