it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We are two peas in an std pod
She bit a glass in half.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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