Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
