Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You dont lie about slip and slides
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
