dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
