I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The struggles of a small town man whore
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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