I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
