white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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