I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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