my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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