And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
