Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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