Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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