I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
