I can text with my tongue
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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