i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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