I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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