I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
