We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
