After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
