apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
