I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
