I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
