All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
