His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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