We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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