My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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