dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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