i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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