maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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