She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
