At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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