At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
