if i can run in heels then i can drive
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
