Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Randomize
