It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
